Soliloquies Anthology 30.1

By Cate Murphy

Halloween is that magical time of year when we all collectively decide to poke the supernatural bear. It’s fun, it’s eerie, it’s aesthetically pleasing – and it’s also the one night you’ll see otherwise rational people willingly invite bad energy into their apartments because “it looks cool for the vibe.”

But as much as we love our ghost stories and gothic candlelight, let’s be honest: most of us couldn’t handle being haunted for five minutes without calling our mom, a priest, or both. So before you go dabbling in the occult for the sake of aesthetics, take a moment to review this essential, non-denominational, semi-scientific guide to not getting possessed this Halloween.

Because nothing says “Happy Halloween” like staying in full control of your  body.

1. Step Away from the Ouija Board

The planchette may gleam like a trinket from another age, its alphabet a whisper from parlour rooms and candlelit séances. But if your Friday night involves a $19.99 key to the afterlife, consider what doors you’re so eager to open. There’s a reason “spirit communication” is stocked beside Monopoly.

People protest, “It’s only a game!” Perhaps. But so is Monopoly, a game that exposes the demons of greed and pettiness lurking in every family line. The difference is that Monopoly ruins only friendships, not the veil between worlds.

If the planchette glides on its own — congratulations. You’ve either been duped by your friends or you’ve welcomed something very old into your living room. Either way, the night has chosen you.

2. Candles Are for Ambiance, Not Invocation

By all means, light your candles. Shadows flatter the imagination. But there’s a difference between mood and summoning. Midnight, black wax, and half-remembered Latin incantations from Pinterest are not the ingredients of cozy.

And should you attempt to combine a candle ritual with pumpkin spice, prepare for consequences of a particularly domestic horror: an apartment that reeks of cinnamon and despair.

3. The Book Rule: If It’s Bound in Leather and Hums, Don’t Read It

There are books that invite curiosity and books that test it. When a tome purrs under your touch or glows like an ember in the dark, resist the impulse to turn its pages. It won’t improve your evening. It will merely confirm that you were the problem all along.

If the cover looks as though it were once attached to something capable of running, place it back upon the shelf. Quickly.

4. Respect the Haunted House

Imagine the perfect autumn retreat: a secluded cabin, a creaking chair, a portrait whose eyes are just a shade too knowing. Picturesque, until you realize the ambience is warning you away.

Drink your cider. Watch your horror films. But when the floorboards whisper or the door rattles (though no wind blows), don’t look why. Ghosts thrive on the human urge to ask, Who’s there? That’s how they find a way to answer.

And if you find a VHS tape labeled Play Me, remember: there are signs older than language that mean run.

5. Avoid Mirrors After Midnight

The mirror is a quiet gate — reflective, patient, and indifferent. Admire yourself by daylight if you must, but when midnight strikes, close your eyes.

If your reflection hesitates before you do, or if it smiles when you don’t, leave the room. Without ceremony.

And should the temptation arise to scream Bloody Mary three times, recall that all legends persist for a reason. The mirror remembers what we forget.

6. Don’t Taunt the Unknown

Skepticism is a fine companion until it becomes arrogance. Crying out “Prove yourself!” into the dark is not bravery, it’s an invitation. The void listens. Always.

If something murmurs your name, pretend you didn’t hear it. Blindness is the most elegant form of protection.

7. Playlist Etiquette: Keep It Earthly

Music is the oldest magic. It shapes breath into ritual, sound into summoning. So perhaps, on Halloween, avoid tracks that sound like the weeping of lost saints or the laughter of children played backward.

Trust the classics — Monster Mash, Thriller, anything that knows its place in the mortal realm. Their rhythms beckon only the living, and that’s quite enough company for one night.

8. Never Say, “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?”

Those words are an incantation, the kind that summons calamity with the innocence of curiosity. No story worth surviving has ever begun with that question. Replace your curiosity with something gentler, something edible. Cookies, for instance. Cookies are famously resistant to evil.

9. Keep Salt and Sense Nearby

Folklore is a map of the human fear of being devoured. A pinch of salt across the threshold, a murmured greeting to the unseen, these gestures remind whatever watches that you, too, know the old ways.

And if the air shifts or your cat stares too long at the corner — don’t ask. The answer is rarely comforting. Should your phone flicker to life and spell GET OUT, obey it. Machines are often the first to sense a haunting.

Bonus Tip: Be Boring

Possession is a drama, and spirits crave theatrics — grief, obsession, unguarded longing. The deeply mundane are of no interest to them. So water your plants, keep a skincare routine, and go to bed early. There is safety in dullness. Be the mortal equivalent of a phone book.

The Final Exorcism: Common Sense

In truth, the art of not being possessed isn’t mystical at all, it’s simply the art of boundaries. Don’t invite what you don’t understand. Don’t mock what still remembers how to mock you back.

And when unease creeps in, recall that theTV was invented precisely so you could flirt with darkness from a safe distance. The screen is your circle of salt.

This Halloween, let the dead do their wandering. You have your own ghosts to manage — the inbox, the ex, the unpaid balance on your soul’s student loans. No need to host any more.